as much as i freak out

as much as i freak out, i do love my baby boy very much. sometimes i think i love him too much and that's why i am this terrified. i would do anything for him to be ok. i would give my life, my organs, my anything! i freak out all day long while i'm at work. my a*ss is probably gonna get fired cuz all i do is sit here googling stroke things all day long. and when i'm on the subway ride to & from work, i panic and obsessively think about him. i look around at other people on the subway and wonder if their lives are better than mine, if they have any sh!tty things going on in their lives. would i rather be them? when i sit in work meetings, it's all i think about - my son's stroke. but then i finally get home and see his smile and see him being so happy and see him coo & babble & i hold him & he has that baby smell, i feel ok & even happy and calm even if it's for a passing moment. i feel like, ok maybe things might be ok.