blaming myself

sometimes i wonder if things would've been better if my son had a chromosomal issue or something because then, i would know for sure that it wasn't my fault. but the fact that he had a brain injury - it kills me because i truly believe it was my fault. it KILLS me every single damn day. i sit here and think of all the what if's and how my son's life would be so different had i done things differently. during my first pregnancy, i exercised a lot. my ob/gyn said it was fine because i've been exercising regularly since i was 18 years old. so my baby girl came out completely fine. also, during that pregnancy, i was monitored constantly because of my nuchal test results - it showed a low papp-A so they wanted to monitor me. so during this 2nd pregnancy, i did the same. i exercised a lot too. the pregnancy was going smoothly, i thought. had i KNOWN the baby was growth-restricted, i would've NEVER EVER EVER continued to work out. i would've gone on bed rest. i truly believe that the exercising caused distress to the baby and that's why the strokes happened. the baby was too small, he couldn't handle it. it KILLS me. i deserve to die for what i did to my baby. i mean, why was i exercising during pregnancy anyways??? i mean, am i that selfish that i needed to stay in shape?! what the f*ck was i thinking?!?!? and why didn't i just simply say in the beginning of the pregnancy to my ob/gyn "can you monitor me closely during this pregnancy too even though my papp-A levels are fine this time, just in case?" OMG if i think about this too much, i go into SEVERE depression so i just can't talk about this anymore. i just want to die. i could've prevented this.