sometimes

sometimes i actually think my son will be ok. and then i feel happy. i think to myself, he might really come out of this ok with minimal issues. but then i remember that he was less than 5 lbs at birth. and that he had not 1 stroke but 2. and i realize that there are full-term, healthy weight babies who had ONE stroke and still didn't come out ok. so how in the world do i think i will be that lucky and my baby will be fine? am i that much in denial? i was emailing back & forth with this one mom whose son was also born 4.5 lbs and he suffered a grade 3 IVH which is pretty severe. he came out completely fine. so i cling onto that as hope. i try to find as many moms out there whose babies had a left MCA stroke and the ones who turned out ok - i reread their blogs & emails over and over again and i pray that my baby will have the same outcome. i compare what noah is doing at 4.5 months old to what their baby did at that age. i look at photos of their babies to see if their hands are fisted at all. i ask their moms "what signs did you see? at what age did the signs appear? what age did they crawl and walk and roll over?" i'm just completely completely obsessed. my mom thinks i have a mental sickness. i probably definitely do. i'm soooooo f*cking depressed, i can't even take it. i hope no one gets mad about this blog. it just seems so negative. i'm a weak mom. i wish i was strong but i just can't deal at all.