ok so i think i was being very boring with all the IUGR medical details and everything. i just can't help it. i have to talk about every little detail because i haven't told a single person any of this so i need to write it out. anyways, where was i? we were in the conference room with the neurologist telling us our newborn baby had 2 strokes and he may or may not walk or talk or be able to use his entire right side. i didn't even cry. i think was in shock. my mom was all, "so there's a chance that this may not even be noticeable, right?" and the neurologist said, "yes, i have a 13 month old patient who had the same injury and he's completely fine". then i interrupted with my "or it can be severe, right?" and my mom gave me this look like, what the f is wrong with you. i just don't want to be given false hope. i don't want to think things will be ok and then they're not. i don't remember the questions i asked at the meeting. i think i asked things like, "how big was the stroke?" and the doctor said "significant" and i would say, "did it affect his entire left side?" and the doctor would say "no" but i know it was a big injury and maybe it didn't affect 100% of the left side but it probably affected like 90% or something. i don't know. this is all so depresssing. i am so sad right now even writing about this. so whatever, the neonatalogists and neurologist all were like, "take him home and treat him like a normal baby". i was so pissed cuz they just told us that his brain is damaged but we just forget about it and just treat him all normally. i can't even talk about it cuz it makes me so mad. i don't think i've treated him like a normal baby for even a second.
anyways, we went out to lunch after that meeting - me, my husband, my parents, my in-laws. i was still in shock. i think on our way to the restaurant, i prayed for a car accident that would kill me but everyone else would be ok. i think i even considered opening the car door and throwing myself out onto the highway.
i don't remember much from that week. i remember going to NICU everyday, i remember pumping. i remember looking at the other moms and thinking that their lives were WAY better than mine right now. maybe they had 1 or 2 lb babies but their babies probably didn't suffer a f*cking stroke. their babies would gain weight and be ok. mine would gain weight and still have the brain damage.
when the neonatalogists would do their rounds, they'd kick everyone out of the room for patients' privacy. i remember sitting on the chair googling on my iphone. everything i'd read would point to cerebral palsy. my husband would find the ONE story where the kid would come out unaffected and send it to me. then i'd read that 76% of kids who suffer strokes end up with cerebral palsy. there is no way we'll end up being in the 24%. then i'd read another article that says it's 50% of kids who end up with cp. so i'd feel a little better but at the same time, i knew with my already sh!tty luck, how would we get lucky and be in that good 50%?
i don't even remember the day we took noah home. he wasn't in nicu for like 3 months like those 1 pound babies. we took him home within 2 weeks, i think. i don't know why i don't remember too much in those early weeks. i am trying to remember when my psychosis really started. maybe it started immediately in nicu? no, i think i was still too shocked. i think we brought him home and that's when reality really hit me - we have a brain-damaged baby.
ok i do remember making friends with the front desk lady at nicu. she was a nice lady. she was telling me something about how some moms don't end up wanting their babies after they end up in nicu & go through all this hell. and i was like, "oh my god, really?" but the truth is, i kind of felt the same at that moment. i will never ever admit this to anyone and i'm only writing it on this blog so whoever is reading this may think i'm a horrible awful person and maybe i am. i am kind of selfish in general so whatever but i was TERRIFIED and i don't know - i'd cry nonstop for him and feel so heartbroken seeing him with the tubes and needles and EEG and etc. so i know that i did love him and care for him. but at the same time, i don't know, i didn't want to deal with this horrible horrible awful miserable situation. i just wanted to run away. i felt like it was hopeless. maybe it was post-partum depression? there's no excuse to feel like you don't want your baby. i know that. but at that moment it was too much. i really just wanted a way out. i wanted to disappear into the ground. i couldn't handle it.
when i brought him home, i would have awful awful thoughts. i can't believe i'm even writing this out. but like i'd constantly think of killing myself. i'd think, well i don't want to leave my husband with such a burden (like him having to bring the baby to PT/OT/dr appts) so maybe i will take noah with me and kill both of us. how would i do it though? maybe i'd go and jump off of the george washington bridge? i'd take a taxi there and pretend like i was going for a walk with my baby, but then i'd climb over the railing and throw ourselves in the water. i even googled, "george washington bride suicide" to make sure there wasn't an anti-suicide railing thing there that deters crazy people. i even googled "does anyone survive suicide jumps off the george washington bridge?" because with my horrible luck, i'd jump off and survive paralyzed or some sh!t like that. and then i also thought, will this end up in the local newspaper? because i don't want to embarrass my family, especially my parents. so then i thought, maybe i'll buy a plane ticket and fly to san francisco and jump off of the golden gate bridge instead cuz if that ended up in the local paper, at least it was far from where my parents live. i was crazy, i still am. i'd sit around at home all day long ignoring my toddler and being a horrible mom. i'd sit there thinking of a quick solution. i mean, i even thought, maybe i'll drown him or suffocate him and say it was SIDS? i don't mean to scare anyone with this. i'm just writing out all my true thoughts. i don't have these thoughts of harming my baby anymore 4.5 months later. really i don't. i love him very much. i get hopeless and sad but i honestly don't have those thoughts of harming him at all, and sometimes i can't believe i even used to. however, i still have thoughts though of jumping off a bridge if things don't get better. it's the only way i can go on. i have to tell myself ,well if things get really really bad, then there's a solution - just go and jump off a bridge. so i tell myself there IS a solution and that's how i move on.
ok i just reread my post from yesterday and i'm kind of freaking out over the whole paragraph i wrote about that horrible traumatic phonecall. i think i'm in serious denial that my baby had a stroke. i feel like the MRI is a mistake. maybe it was temporary swelling that went away on its own. but i know it isn't a mistake because the truth is, he is showing some issues now.
anyways, this whole blog is going to be scatterbrained and all over the place because i am thinking so many things at once. sometimes i have this fantasy that i die of a heartattack due to this horrible overwhelming stress and i get out of this misery. and then it'll be perfect because i won't have to go and jump off a bridge because i REALLY REALLY do not want to do that. jumping off a bridge for thousands of feet just sounds really painful and awful and i'd be so embarrassed if i survived it. if i was the 1/4000 whose baby had a stroke, then why wouldn't i be the 1/100000 who survives a jump off of the george washington bridge? omg and then my husband & kids would hate me cuz they'd have to take care of my a*ss for the rest of their lives. most likely, even if things do get horrible, i will never jump off that bridge. actually, maybe i will if i am THAT miserable and get really really drunk first. ok so that'll be my solution. when things get really bad, i will drink A LOT and then go to the bridge. then i'll be brave enough to do it AND at the same time, it won't hurt as much because i'll be numb from the drunkenness. ok i really need to stop talking about crazy sh!t like this. i'm scared that someone will freak out and trace my IP address and find out which computer i'm at and call the police or someone to come get me because i'm talking about crazy sh!t like suicide.
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