googling

i've googled stroke so much in the past 5 months that now i just kinda stopped...from boredom? from being tired? i don't know. but today i googled "pediatric stroke march 2012" to see if any new sites came up. this is how desperate i am. in the past 5 months, i've googled every combination of the word 'stroke'. i've googled 'pediatric stroke' and 'neonatal stroke' and 'perinatal stroke' and 'fetal stroke' and 'infant stroke' and 'utero stroke' and 'baby stroke' and 'prenatal stroke'. i've googled everything. and i've reread the same pages over and over and i almost feel like each time i read it, i notice or focus on something different. i mean, it's always something equally terrifying. i've read so much online that i've memorized names of kids with strokes from blogs & support groups. i'm just googling & googling desperately looking for answers that no website or any person can give me. i want to know sh!t like "will he crawl by 12 months old?" and then i compare him to other kids in blogs i read. i'm like, well my son had the same stroke in the same location & he had apnea at birth & he's not fisting his affected hand so he'll turn out like this kid in this success story i just read. but then i'll read another blog where the person's kid is similar to mine but he doesn't turn out well at all. so then i get depressed again. or i'll tell myself, well THAT person's baby was showing signs at 2 months old but my baby didn't. therefore my baby will be ok. OR i'll read a success story and get all hopeful but then i realize that my son's head is still in a very low percentile but that person's baby's head was normal-sized. therefore my baby has no chance. i don't know what's up with his head size. he was born tiny and premature so he was small overall. his weight & height are in the 10-25th percentile right now. but why is his head barely on the chart? it can't be because of his overall small size. i mean, if his body's in the 10-25th percentile, it would only make sense that his head should be too. but no, his head is barely on the chart. no one has mentioned the word 'microcephaly' to me but i mean, can it really be coincidence that he suffered 2 strokes and has a head size that is barely on the chart? i want to crawl under a f*cking rock and die.

i know i make this whole blog all about ME, and i really need to get it together if i'm going to help my son. i realize that. i just can't seem to do it though. maybe i am addicted to suffering like this. sometimes i think i have this weird mentality where the more i suffer, the more my son will be ok. i don't know...