grief

this morning i woke up in a lot of grief again. last night i was completely fine. that's the thing, i have moments where i'm completely fine - really, i am. then the grief suddenly hits and it feels like i can't breathe & i'm going to faint. i woke up feeling so guilty for everything. i really feel like this was all my fault. i mean, if the stroke happened after birth, maybe i'd feel a little better? but it happened in-utero so it really could've been my fault. and i can't do anything about it. the hemi-kids digest i subscribe to isn't helping either. it's a support group but i don't know how "supportive" it really is. it just terrifies me when i read about these 18 year olds who have no friends and get bullied. it's just really f*cking depressing sh!t. yet i can't unsubscribe or stop reading them. i'm like addicted to torture or something.