support groups

i need to come up with better, more enticing, titles for my posts. but i'm a lazy ass. i subscribe to an email list called hemi-kids. it's a hemiplegia/cp/stroke support group and i get the one-email-a-day summarized version instead of getting the emails all day long. well, this support group - yes it's supportive because it's others who are also the unlucky 1/4000 who are going through this stroke/hemiplegia/cp bullsh!t too so it does make me feel less alone. BUT omg, it's like a train wreck. the things that happen to some of these people are the WORST things ever. they are awful. yet i can't peel myself away. my husband tells me to unsubscribe because all it does it make sh!t worse. it makes me feel even more depressed. but i just can't stop reading. it's like, i seriously HOPE these awful things don't happen to me. but then sometimes i think it will. sometimes i tell myself, i SHOULD keep reading to know what to expect. but then i get SO f*cking depressed. i mean, i read things like, "my kid is potty trained now! he's 8 years old! yay!!!" and i have a momentary panic attack. i'll read, "my kid gets made fun of in school all the time because he can't pull his pants up in the bathroom" and it kills me. i read "my kid just started walking today!" and then i find out she's 6 years old. yes, i get it that she's walking and that's what's most important. that she's even walking at all. but really, any parent who just receives this diagnosis for their infant is going to freak out when they read it. even if your doctor tells you "your child will probably never walk", you have hope your child will do it eventually. so when you read about kids not walking until they're a lot older, it's a big reality check. i don't know if i make any sense. for example, our neurologist isn't totally doom 'n gloom. he thinks our son will have motor issues on the right side. so yes, it makes sense that i should expect/accept issues to happen. but when he did start showing the hand preference, i FLIPPED. you hear horrible prognoses, but deep down inside you think to yourself "well, my child will be the exception". even me - i'm the most negative, sh!ttiest-attitude, person out there but i had hope that my kid would be one of the lucky ones. on the HK email list, it's funny because i think hundreds or thousands of people are on it actually but the same people post all the time so now i recognize their names. i'm sure there are a lot of silent observers on it. like me. i wonder if there are a bunch of other moms who silently observe and read these and have panic attacks too. my problem is, i read this sh!t and i don't think rationally like, "ok this happened to her. but my child isn't her child. my child could have a different outcome". instead my heart sinks and i'm like, OMG this is going to happen to my kid too & i'm going to be miserable forever and ever and our lives are over.

anyways, i've been on so many support groups online. i guess they're helpful but they're terrifying too. most of the people on it sound like normal, knowledgable people. occasionally, there's the weirdo who posts rambling on & on about random sh!t. i think if i were a regular, i'd probably be a rambling weirdo too though, digressing and going on about other sh!t and being all woe-is-me. sometimes when a person posts on the support group and sounds intelligent and normal, and is in a similar situation as me, i will email them personally. i get annoyed & disturbed when people post who sound unknowledgable and unintelligent with wrong spelling & grammar. i start thinking, is this a crazy trashy person who is dumb & did crack so that's why their kid ended up with a brain injury? i don't want to be in her category. but then again, a crackhead probably wouldn't be on email or a computer, right? lmfao why do i care, right? this isn't a spelling bee. it's a f*cking support group for brain injured children. i'm so weird.