snookie

snookie's pregnant - and watch her have a healthy kid even though she drank every single day of her first trimester before she even found out she was knocked up. and then you see healthy normal moms have babies with issues. i was never that into family gatherings but now that my son has this issue, i dread any family dinners or anything like that. i can't deal with watching kids run around and i don't know, i'm being ridiculous because sooner or later i have to deal with it. i just can't. i don't know what to do. i could send my husband with our older daughter and i could sit at home with the baby. or i could tell him to take both kids and i go out and do whatever. or maybe i'll make plans with a friend even though honestly, i don't event want to be around friends either.

i sometimes see my daughter do everything so easily and she's quick/advanced for her age and it makes me happy that she's developing well & growing but it's bittersweet because it only reminds me of what my son may not do or have difficulty doing. so when i see her do things & grow well, i kind of freak out. i am crazy.

i have good days and bad. yesterday was a good day. maybe because at starbucks, i asked for decaf and they accidentally gave me caffeinated instead so i had a lot of energy all day. today is a bad day, i'm full of despair again.

i just want my baby to be ok. this morning i was laying in bed and i randomly thought about how he only makes "oooh" or "aah" sounds so then i panicked because why isn't he making consonant sounds? i remember my daughter would say "goo" or "gah" at this age. now i'm worried about yet another thing. i just want to cry.