neverending worry

i know i should be more positive. i'm an adult. i'm a mother. i should be strong and i should really really stop sitting around feeling sorry for myself. i'm making this all about me & my own suffering but really, it's my son who had this happen to him. i just can't stop being depressed though. maybe i'm a spoiled brat. my son isn't doing badly, like i don't think he's severely affected at all. but he's not doing much either. at this age, my first child was doing a lot more. i keep looking at old photos of her at this age. i know i shouldn't compare my son to a neurotypical child. i don't know. i'm just obsessed. our pediatric neurologist said he probably will not be cognitively affected, and his intelligence will probably be normal. but lately i have been worrying about that a lot. he tracks & smiles & laughs & is alert. but he doesn't really play with toys or anything yet, so i worry. everything he does or doesn't do - i wonder if it's from the stroke or if he would've been like this normally. this week, i also started re-thinking about the fact that not only did he have the stroke but he was tiny & premature on top of it. i mean, really, how is he going to be ok? i obsess over the same sh!t every single damn day. i want to be normal again.

the neurologist also said his legs look ok and may not be affected but i wonder about that too. i spoke to a mom recently whose baby has the same signs as my son. her neurologist also said her kid's legs won't be affected but now he is showing leg tightness. so she's pissed! in a way, i'd rather hear some horrible diagnosis and have my baby turn out ok. rather than hearing an ok diagnosis and then my baby ends up with all sorts of issues.

sometimes i get mad when the PT and neurologist say, "he's going to be fine" cuz what is their definition of fine??? i don't think it's the same as my definition of fine. to me, fine means almost perfect, showing no noticeable issues really. i know i'm being unrealistic and greedy. but what if "fine" to the PT & neurologist means he'll have noticeable physical issues but no cognitive issues? or maybe fine to them means he will not have physical issues but will have cognitive issues. i don't know what i'm talking about right now. i talk too much. i think i make no sense.