neverending self-pity

i was walking home last night and kind of hoped i'd drop dead. i can't snap out of this misery. i'm so weak. it's funny how people say "you could get hit by a bus tomorrow" but the truth is, 99% of us will not get hit by a bus ever. we will live the next 50 years and have to deal with our sh!t. it's a depressing thought. i'm really scared that my son will be cognitively impaired from his stroke. i feel like there is no hope at all. he was 4 lbs 7.6 oz at birth, he was 4.5 weeks premature, AND he had TWO strokes, not just one. let's say he was full-term and healthy weight and had the 2 strokes - i'd have a little more hope. let's say he had ONE stroke - i'd have much more hope. but no, we're in the sh!ttiest situation there is. i know there are worse situations. it just feels like my own situation is worse than anyone's though. i can look at another person's situation and feel genuinely optimistic for him/her. but when i look at myself, i am always glass-half-empty. i miss my old self. i used to look forward to weekends. now i dread them. i hate feeling that way. i really do.