no improvement

i have a bad attitude. i know i do. i can't help it. i'm really scared that random people will read this blog and post hate messages for me. i don't know why i give a rat's a*ss what people think. so anyways, we're in the process of getting OT. in ny, you don't qualify for EI therapy unless you show signs. it doesn't go by diagnosis alone so it's kind of annoying. on one hand, i want him to show signs because i want as much therapy as possible. but really, i'd rather him be on track and not show sh!t except normalcy. so the OT stopped by a couple weeks ago and she did the evaluation. she was kind of a disgruntled unfriendly person. whatever. i received the papers in the mail yesterday. it was kind of a reality check. i mean, i knew he was behind but not THAT behind. his fine motor skills - they're on the level of a 1 month old. he's 5 months and 1 week old. i mean, i'd get it if he were on a 3 month level. after all, he was 4.5 weeks premature (although honestly, i have high, sort of unrealistic, expectations for him so i don't like to adjust his age). but one month old - what a f*cking blow. i went nuts. my husband wants to strangle me. i can't handle sh!t. i'm a mess. i contradict myself so much too. i don't make any sense to myself. it's like, i'm totally doom 'n gloom and think the worst case scenarios will happen. but then when i read that his fine motor's at a 1 month old level, i can't accept it. i flip out. i think what it is - i'm naturally a negative, anxious, pessimistic person BUT deep down inside, i think i DO have hope/faith. i just don't admit it because i don't want to jinx anything. so when sh!t really does go badly, i lose it because i give off a doom 'n gloom front, but deep down inside, i think things will be ok. but now i really wonder if things will be ok. i'm depressed. woe is me...as usual.